ABANDONMENT

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 Abandonment, true to its nature, stays.

There is a sense of depression. Compulsive thinking is killing. Less of activity and more of thinking. Scenarios and scenarios. Visualizations of the impossible. Killer demand of the present and reality stay unaffected. He manifests unwarranted comparisons and constant delusions. Health worries which never was a worry before. Lack of a social life for want of a socially compatible environment furthers incompatibility.

Resistance and resistance to take the right call and make the right move. The worst; being let down, neglected, unwanted, unloved and unacknowledged.

The past only makes it bitter. A bitter past which was no better than its past, led to a worse present which definitely looked promising for the worst future. This paradox should have made the present standing a worthy position by default. But it never feels so!

Mistakes and unhealthy attachments grew. Momentary bonds grew, providing little relief in the longer run even if they managed for few hours. Questioning and questioning and questioning. Comparing and comparing and comparing. Hopelessness and hopelessness and hopelessness. Lethargy and lethargy and lethargy. Unwillingness to negotiate with the predicament forced negotiations heavily tipped against him.

The end was in sight. It didn’t matter. But even that seemed elusive. Elusiveness defined him. Everything evaded him. Weather, health, company, success, events, life, wealth; even death, failure, solitude, ill-health, bad weather, poverty; everything.

Pleasure, principle and practice of the day was all he had to look for, each morning. One would assume at least monotony had his back. No, it didn’t. Something always came up and something always let him down.

Why would discipline not come to him, if he was super aware of everything that went on and everything that bothered him? He couldn’t answer. He slept and he slept some more. The night grew into day and he awoke only to get ready to sleep again. He’s been dressing up and going about, only to go back to sleep.

It was easy. It avoided all questions, therefore looking for answers never came up. 

But what about the times when, just like everything else, sleep too eluded him? Well, he won’t bother if he can doze off now. For the next time might be the elusive sleep.

Sometimes, he would like to pretend nothing is wrong. This is how everyone is or supposed to be, isn’t it? Then the moment of realization. Perhaps not. Doesn’t seem so, when he looks around.

Purpose, that elusive beast or fairy or whichever one its thought to be, seems to be gracing everyone’s day, unlike his.

Why couldn’t he die, then? Seems an easy thought but a very difficult thing. It evades most desirably as the will to live doesn’t. Perhaps, that is the only non-elusive part. The willingness to live.

But, how is it willingness if he is not exactly willing it?

No, the correct word is ‘drags’ he decides. Life drags him. He doesn’t will it to, but it does, so he survives. He drags. Pathetically maybe, but the celebrations and the motions and the ablutions are all a drag. Maybe they will too evade. 

Not this day, though.

He survives long enough to explain it to me. He might live long enough after that or maybe not. He will be remembered or maybe not. Even possibility and predictability evade him. What sticks then, to stick this further to describe him?

Abandonment.